Former NHLer Colin Wilson spills everything, saying Jimmy Hayes' story caused him to come clean

In October of 2020, forward Colin Wilson retired from the NHL at the young age of 31. The former seventh overall pick had some good years in the league with the Nashville Predators and Colorado Avalanche, but he explained in an article in the Players' Tribune that a Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) had plagued him throughout his career and made hockey, and life in general, very difficult. Wilson has now written an update on his story, saying he was compelled to do so after an autopsy following the death of NHLer Jimmy Hayes showed fentanyl and cocaine in his system.

"The truth is, I was an addict," said Wilson,explaining that he was too ashamed to talk about it during his previous article in The Tribune.

Wilson said that he started taking ambien to sleep when he was 20. That eventually led to smoking weed, something he said helped him feel some sense of normalcy at first.

"But weed couldn't save me from what was happening in my brain. My OCD was growing, evolving. And as I got older and further into my career, nights out became traps," said Wilson.

"It seemed like when I was out for the night in NYC or L.A. or Vegas, somebody always had cocaine."

"So, when I was 22, I did it. Because like so many cocaine users, I was just a lost kid who wanted to feel something. What I wanted to feel, what I needed to feel, might be different from the guy beside me. But there it was, right in front of me — offering me control over my mind, my feelings, if just for the night. I didn't do it often at first. Once or twice per year. But by the time I was 28, I was doing it every few weeks. And those nights ruined me. Because those nights became the only ones when I could feel anything," Wilson said.

Wilson said a night of indulgence in 2018 brought everything to the forefront.

"I had it all in my system. Alcohol. Coke. Sleeping pills. More than ever before. And I had a practice the next morning. I almost never did that. But that night, for whatever reason, I couldn't take it — my life, my mind, everything. I knew the light would come, and the dark would fade, and morning would bring hell."

"That's the only way I could describe waking up that next morning. Hangover doesn't even come close. I hadn't taken anything in over eight hours and I couldn't see straight. I could barely see my hand in front of my face. Walking into the rink I thought I was going to pass out. I decided right there that I couldn't do it anymore. There was no alternative. I was going to talk to our coach, Jared Bednar, and I was going to tell him everything. I was going to get help."

Unfortunately, Wilson said Bednar announced practice was optional, so he went back home and back to bed instead of getting help. He said he didn't end up getting help until the end of the season.

"There are a lot of people who had nights like that, and they aren't here," said Wilson. "Addiction is a beast. It's a monster."

"And when I saw the story in the The Boston Globe about Jimmy Hayes' autopsy, everything that I'd suppressed about my own addiction came flooding into my mind. I'm two-and-a-half years sober — and in a way, I guess, I thought I had beat it. But you never beat it. You just live with it. And what happened to Jimmy it could have happened to any of us. It could have happened to me."

Wilson said he texted both Hayes' wife and his father to offer support, adding he had known Hayes since the both of them were 16.

"Everyone cared about him so much. I can't speak highly enough of the Hayes family. They are all great people. And I know they want to help, just like I do. Because we're in the middle of a massive opioid and mental health crisis. Those two things are inherently connected. And I believe the first step toward change is honesty and vulnerability."

Source: The Players' Tribune

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